all the kings horses, and all the kings men...
by Phoebsfan
Summary: M/L AU Max Guevara never dreamed she'd be free of Manticore, maybe she was wise not to. The much anticipated sequel to The World Outside the Walls...well maybe it wasn't really all that anticipated but a girl can dream can't she. COMPLETE*12&13*
1. Home

…all the kings horses, and all the kings men…

Disclaimer: As with everything I write…I do not own any of the characters nor do I profit from writing these…I just lack the creativity to create my own characters.

Summery: Sequel to The World Outside the Walls…Max Guevara never dreamed that she'd be free of Manticore, maybe she was wise not to.

Rating:R for safety reasons

 AN: I suggest reading The World Outside the Walls and giving it a review before continuing.  There was just too much for one story.  And I'm actually thinking of doing a third as well but only if time allows and there is a demand.

Chapter 1

Home

Max Guevara scaled the Space Needle with no problem, not even breaking a sweat.  It paid to be genetically engineered sometimes.  Smiling, she perched on the edge looking down on Seattle, her home.

Home.  Yeah it felt right.  She'd been trying to figure out exactly how she felt about this whole new situation.  Free of Manticore's chains, able to make her own decisions, it felt good.  It felt right.  She never would have dared try it had she not run into Logan again.

Logan Cale, the name rolled of her tongue and danced through her mind with a flash of images.  He'd set her free in so many ways.  Ways she'd never be able to repay him for.  How could you repay someone for saving you from yourself?  There really wasn't any method that Max was familiar with.  Everything that came to mind just felt superficial.

So she'd decided that she'd stay here for him.  

Max had been terrified that he'd send her to Canada with the others and when she'd arrived at his place earlier, she was sure that was the only thing on his mind but he'd surprised her.  By giving her Bast he was asking her to stay.  

Closing her eyes, she recalled their conversation of a few hours earlier.  It was what he hadn't said that gave her hope.  Hope that maybe this thing would work out after all.  Hope that he thought what they had was worth the risk.

But what exactly did they have?

It was all new to her and Max didn't know which end was up.  Love, what was that anyway?  She knew the feelings she had for Zack and the others could be classified as love but these feelings didn't feel the same.  Max knew that love felt different for different people but was this love.  It really couldn't be; they hadn't spent that much time together, they really didn't know each other.  But even as she thought it Max knew it wasn't true.  She knew Logan and he knew her as well as anyone could.  It felt like they'd known each other for forever.  But did that mean she loved him?

What was the point of having this on going conversation with herself anyway?  Logan was right.  It was too risky.  She really shouldn't have stayed.  But she knew that she had no choice in the matter.  Love or not, Logan meant something to her and she couldn't just leave him in Lydecker's greedy hands.  Eyes Only needed her, so she'd stay and protect the voice of freedom.

Max accepted it as her new mission.  Outside or not, she still relied heavily on her military training, Max realized as her mind went over her new plans in a routine and detached manner.  The building across the street from him had a decent view of his place and she could stand guard there, he'd never have to know.

If he ever found out she could kiss her butt goodbye because he'd probably hate her for the rest of her life.  Especially now that he was feeling so helpless.  It would only prove his delusional point that he wasn't good enough for her and Max didn't want to give him anything to fuel his self-condemning funeral pyre.  It had nothing to do with his legs and everything to do with the annoying feelings she was experiencing for him, but he would never see it that way.  He'd only use it against her in the long run.  And she didn't really blame him either.  After all she'd done her fair share of pushing and she was sure that it wouldn't be the end of it either.

Sighing, she started her descent down the Needle.  There were a few people she needed to talk to.  Original Cindy would be worried and Normal would be threatening to fire her butt.  Being shot didn't give her any excuse to miss work for as long as she had.  Max wondered if anything would have given her a legitimate excuse, Normal didn't take missing work lightly after all.

Dropping safely the rest of the way down, Max decided on heading over to Crash.  The gang would probably all be there now anyway and there wasn't really any point in putting the reunion off.  She'd deal with Logan afterward and Normal in the morning.  Right now she really just needed to have some fun.  Her life had been lacking that certain element for a long time.  It would feel good to drink obscene amounts of alcohol, dance with a few strangers, and try to forget how complicated her life had just gotten.  Maybe she could forget Manticore and the fact that her life was still in danger.  Maybe in the process she could forget the three words Logan had said before she'd been taken from him, before he'd gone all nutcase on her and changed the game.

_I love you._  Then why the hell did he just want to be friends?

Logan Cale, you are the weakest man on the face of this planet.  Logan sat staring out at the darkened streets of this city he called home, wondering if Max would be back.  In the long run he was sure she'd pop in but that didn't mean any time soon.  And with him already missing her, Logan knew that this road they'd taken was going to be full of lots of fun painful experiences.

He'd cracked.  She was supposed to be on her way to Canada, on her way to safety.  But he was more then sure that she wasn't.  She was probably driving through the streets of Seattle right now.  He had planned to be colder then he was, he'd planned to be brutal, to remain emotionless.  And sitting alone in his apartment, he wondered where he had failed, at what instant she'd broken through to him and made him beg for her to stay.

She'd asked him why he couldn't ask her to stay.  Didn't she know?  The answer was staring her in the face, or more correctly would be staring her in the face if she were sitting down, if she lowered herself to his place on the food chain.

Still her words had haunted him, and so had her tears.  He'd never been able to resist throwing his arms around her and holding her tight, when in those rare instances she let him see her pain.  So when she had cried and he couldn't hold her, that was the moment she'd broken through.  That was the moment she'd won.

Her victory would be short-lived and hollow however if he couldn't convince her to leave town for a while.  Logan wasn't naïve enough to believe that she would just leave nicely because he asked, no he knew there was no way in hell she'd leave unless he was with her or she was sure he'd be safe.  Both of which were impossible situations.

Damn he'd really screwed them both up.  In fairness, though he'd wanted her to be with him in everyway imaginable from the very beginning, he could never have foreseen the events that so radically altered the game.  Therefore technically since there was no way he could have seen it coming, he wasn't at fault and distance was the only logical solution.  Somehow though, those thoughts didn't lend much comfort, and they did absolutely nothing to the guilt he was feeling.

They should have spent the night together, in each other's arms.  But Logan knew that was an impossibility now.  Before that bullet maybe he could have convinced her to care, maybe he wouldn't have fought her desire to stay in Seattle, maybe he would have swept her off her feet, thrilled that she couldn't leave him and carried her to his room.  That would have been nice, he allowed himself to admit, hell it would have been more then nice; it would have been heaven.  But heaven didn't seem to like the thought of the two of them together.  And why should it.  Cyber journalist and soldier, rich bastard and thief, perfection and cripple, even their ages screamed no.  Someone should inform his heart though.  Maybe then getting over her wouldn't be so hard.

Hard was an understatement.  Logan still felt her lips on his and her warm body encased in his arms, he still felt her gentle touch and saw her bright smile.  Getting over her was going to be damn near impossible.

How the hell was he going to stay just friends?


	2. New Lives

Chapter 2

New Lives

Why did she have to be so damn stubborn?  Zack cursed the memory of Max's goodbye speech.  Not only had she decided to stay in Seattle, she'd gone back to the man who seemed bent on breaking her heart and big brother Zack was more then a little concerned about it.

She should have gone with the rest of them.  Manticore wouldn't have a hard time finding her in Seattle, especially if she was hanging out with him.  It would only be a matter of time before she was safely locked up in a cage at Manticore again and Zack wasn't all too fond of the idea of breaking her out again.

So as he sped down the road on a bike he'd borrowed toward Seattle, he fumed at himself for coming back.  Still he knew he didn't have a choice.  Someone had to look out for them and as the CO it was his duty.  It would help him however, if she'd just take orders like a good little soldier and then this mess with Manticore could be put behind them.

Emotions like hers were going to get them all killed one day, he was sure of it.

It had been a week since they'd left the cabin, Zack had wanted to come back sooner but he needed to get the others settled first.  They were all spread across Canada now, with a few exceptions, Tinga who had made her way to Portland, Alec who was God knows where, and Max who'd stayed behind in Seattle.  And now him.

When this was over he was dragging her sorry ass back to Canada with him, this was a decision that wasn't up to her.  At least she didn't know where the others were and Zack had absolutely no intention of telling her either.  It would only end up killing them all.  If she didn't want to play by the rules then he didn't have to give her any information.

She'd hate him for it but there was no way on earth he could risk the others like that.  He couldn't justify it.

Alec smiled as he left the club with another young lady.  This was the life.  He had no worries or concerns whatsoever about Manticore finding him and so he wasn't even trying to lay low for a while.  Instead he was living it up every night, taking a new girl home with him and enjoying more then her company.

Money wasn't a problem for him since he'd taken up larceny to supplement his income.  This week alone he'd raked in close to 100 grand.  Things were looking good on the other side of Manticore and Alec had no intention of changing his new lifestyle.

Zack had been more then slightly annoyed to find him in a club only hours after their escape and had warned him not to repeat his actions but what did Zack know anyway.  He was too busy worrying to have fun and there was no way Alec was going to go down the same path.

Alec imagined Zack was still pissed at him for taking off like he did but that was no skin off his back.  If Zack wanted to play overprotective brother to everyone then Zack could, as long as it didn't interfere with his fun.

As the girl he was with drew him closer and stuck her hands in places that were covered for legal reasons, Alec knew there was no way in hell he was ever going back to Manticore if it meant giving up on this.  They'd have to kill him.

She'd said yes.  Tinga still couldn't believe it.  After all the time she'd stayed away he still wanted her with him.  She must be the luckiest person on the planet.

Now if only she could tell him the truth about her.  Still Tinga feared that if Charlie ever found out about her past he wouldn't want her anymore.  He wanted Penny and it hurt her to know that he called out Penny's name and not Tinga, even if they were the same person.

Looking down at the ring that lit up her finger she sighed.  She was Penny too, Tinga was a thing of the past, now that she was free she could be Penny forever for him.  He wanted forever with her and it wouldn't be fair to cheat him out of his happily ever after.  So Penny she'd remain.

Zack would be mortified to learn that she was going to marry him and settle down.  He'd think it was the stupidest thing she'd ever done.  She couldn't be tied down; she had to be able to run at a moment's notice.  Still she couldn't leave Charlie again and Zack would just have to live with that.

He was the one who wanted them to get new lives right, so how on earth could he stand there and criticize them for it.

Tearing through the streets of Seattle, Zack stopped his bike in front of Jam Pony.  If Max insisted on staying he'd stay too.   Zack entered the building and walked up to a man with thick black frames perched on his nose, there was a definite loser ring to the man and judging how everyone ignored his hurried Bip bip bip's, Zack figured he was the one Zack needed to talk to.

"Excuse me sir but would you happen to have any positions available?" Zack asked milking the respecting your elders issue.  He figured this clown would be all for it, seeing as how no one else seemed to even listen to him.

"Not looking for any more deadbeats…hey did you just call me sir?" Zack nodded, right on the money.

"What's your name? And here take this application." The man stepped out from behind the counter and placed a hand on Zack's back.  Zack tried not to shrug it off, suck up or not, he didn't like strange people touching him.

"Sam." Zack answered briefly.

"Well then Sam, I can't really say this officially but if you stop by tomorrow morning, I'm sure there'll be a bike waiting for you."


	3. Fight

Chapter 3

Fight

"Max here will show you the ropes." Normal said as he gestured Zack over to the locker area the next morning.  "Hey Max get your habitually late hide over here."  

Max rolled her eyes and stopped her conversation with Original Cindy long enough to turn around and see what Normal wanted, planning on ignoring him.  But the when she saw Zack standing next to Normal she changed her mind.

"What the freaking—" Max started but Zack cut her off.

"Sam, nice to meet you."  Yeah she bet it was.  Hope he doesn't feel the same after I rip him limb from limb.

"Spare me." She bit out then turned and smiled at Normal innocently. "Sure Normal I'll take him with me." I'll take him right off a cliff or maybe straight the hell back to Manticore.  He had some nerve showing up like this. 

"Great, see you two kids later." Normal said leaving their side after giving Zack a pat on the back.  Max found it fitting.  Zack had to be dying with Normal touching him, well it served his sorry hide right.

"What the hell do you think you're doing here?" Max hissed through a fake smile as she walked outside with Zack trailing.

"Making sure your ass doesn't get dragged back to Manticore." Zack hissed back as a messenger rode by the two.  Max led Zack down an alley by Jam Pony where the two could talk without interruption.  Max had quite a bit to tell him and she didn't want to have to restrain herself if things lead to violence.

"News flash Zacky." Zack could tell that Max was not going to take this lightly, not that he'd ever really expected her to. "I'm a big girl now. I even wipe my own butt. I don't need you babysitting."

"Somebody's got to because you sure as hell aren't thinking straight." Zack exploded in her face.  

"What I do is my business!"

"Not when it involves the rest of us Maxie." He reprimanded using her childhood nickname.  Max fumed.  He wouldn't get away with this.  Acting all supportive one minute then turning around and coming to Seattle to guard her.  How could he even dream she'd just accept it and move on?

"No! Don't even try that Zack.  You're lucky I don't kick your ass for this, cause believe me I've thought of it." Max threatened spinning around and waving an accusing finger in his face.  Zack grabbed her finger and forced her hand out of his face menacingly.

"Damn it Max.  You aren't thinking clearly your too busy shacking up with Logan to notice anything outside your window.  Lydecker could swoop in at any moment and you'd never see it coming because you're to busy making eyes at Eyes Only.  God Max, sex doesn't equate love.  You will find someone else outside of Seattle." Zack imparted his wisdom, which only served to enrage his sister more.

"Gee Zack, thanks for the information and had I been _shacking up_ with Logan maybe it would mean something but since I haven't ever gone that far with him, not that that is any of your business, I don't think your psychotic theory is sound.  Do you think I want to go back Zack?" Max belted out not caring who heard her. "I'm watching my back and Logan's.  I can't help but feel guilty that his life is in danger because of us.  Now you expect me to leave him, maybe you can use people like that Zack but I really was never into one-night stands!"  Zack could see he'd gone too far and assumed too much.  Maybe Max wasn't as far gone as he thought she was.

"He means that much to you?" Zack questioned, honestly expecting an answer and not trying to make things worse.

"Zack, he's my friend." Max softened. "His life means the world to me." Zack had been ready to give up his fight with her but with her last words, she'd confirmed his fears.  She did love him but she either didn't know it or was trying to deny it.

"We are your family." He simply stated, knowing that she would pick up on his hidden meaning.

"Are you asking me to choose?" she asked in disbelief. "Why do you hate him so much?"

"He's going to hurt you Max and then he's going to get you killed."

"You don't know that." Max shot out wishing she could be certain that Zack wasn't right about the whole thing.

"Men like him only want one thing Maxie." Zack was pleading with her to listen but instead she just shook her head and turned away from him.

"You don't know how wrong you are." She stated coldly then started to walk away.

"I hope for your sake I am wrong." Max stopped in her tracks and turned to face him putting on a sarcastic front she answered him.

"Oh how sweet of you. Excuse me if I don't believe you."

"Look Max, I didn't come here to fight." He tried to explain.  Max advanced on him, quickly shaking her finger in his face as she answered.

"No.  Zack, no you didn't.  You came here to order me to go to Canada with you." She spit, her voice full of venom.

"If I have to."  Max shoved him away from her violently and Zack stumbled but quickly regained his balance.

"See Zack we aren't at Manticore and I don't have to listen or follow any of your 'orders' anymore. In fact, I don't have to waste anymore time here. If you'll excuse me I have packages to deliver." Max stormed off leaving Zack to stare after her.  If he'd thought it was going to be easy, he was mistaken.

Shit he was an ass.  Did he honestly expect her to just welcome him with open arms?  He'd been CO way too long if he thought she'd just drop what she had here to go run off to Canada with him because he ordered her to.

All morning long he had been bugging her.  Sitting in the back of her mind he'd been running the conversation over and over again in her head.  So far the distraction had almost got her killed three separate times, which only served to fuel her anger toward him more.  Lydecker wouldn't have to kill her because Zack would do it for him.

As her lunch break approached she found herself pedaling furiously into sector nine and over to Foggle Towers.  She needed to vent and Logan was really the only person she could go to on this.

In the week since she'd been back they'd managed to come to an understanding.  Max would pop in once in awhile and he would feed her.  No one would question where their relationship stood and no one would get hurt.  And so far their unwritten deal had been working quite well.  She'd only been over to his place two or three times but they managed to create a comfortable friendship.  The kind where no words were needed sometimes and a listening ear could always be found.

As she neared his apartment, she only grew more confident that Logan was the only person who would understand and that he could make it all better.  Talking with him always made things better because he always knew just what to say.  And the fact that he looked so good saying it didn't hurt either.

Max smiled as she wheeled her bike into the elevator and pushed the button that would take her to his front door.  She'd missed seeing him.  The elevator seemed to take forever and she grew impatient waiting for it to reach his floor.  She needed to talk to him now and riding in the elevator only reminded her a conversation she'd had about Logan, with Zack, in the very same spot.  The memory stirred up her earlier fight with Zack and by the time she reached his door she was in full rant mode again.


	4. Leg Work

Chapter 4

Leg Work

AN: Sorry my muse ran away again, that and numerous computer problems. (Now the hunk of junk decides when it wants to turn on and when it doesn't) As of the ending of this chapter my story seems to be up in the air…It had a plan to follow originally but now that plan doesn't want to come into play.

"Damn Logan this is so unfair." Max burst into his apartment and threw her bag on his couch.  Logan wheeled into the room to join her as she too flopped down on his couch moping.

"Hello to you too." He tried to joke and Max rewarded his efforts with a smile.

"Sorry." She amended.  Logan took a position by her, close enough to touch if needed but not too close.  He'd spent a good five seconds determining how close too close was.

"It's ok.  Now what is so unfair?" he asked.  

"Zack has come to town." She moaned.

"Ok now correct me if I'm wrong but isn't that a good thing. I mean we do like Zack don't we?"

"He came to baby-sit me."

"Oh."  Suddenly her anger became crystal clear.  If there was one thing Logan had learned about Max it was that she didn't like being protected.

"Yeah."

The two let the room slip into silence as they both digested their thoughts.

"The reason why he came is bad enough but he couldn't stop there. No he had to get a job at Jam Pony so he could check up on me all the time." She offered reflectively.  Logan's quiet presence had mellowed her mood.

"That is low even for him." Logan agreed. "I assume you discussed this with him?" he questioned.  At this Max laughed.

"Well discussed really isn't the best term for it.  But I can assure you he knows how I feel about it."

"And he's still out there walking around?"

"Well I went easy on him. I should have kicked his butt though.  He said some pretty rude things." Max explained looking out the window.

"Oh?" Logan questioned wondering what Zack could have said to piss her off so much.

"He thought we were…well it doesn't matter what he thought.  The point is that we aren't and I clarified it for him."

"Now I'm intrigued." If it had something to do with him he really did want to know.

"Can't tell you, it would break our vow of silence."

"Oh."

"So…" Max offered to the awkward silence that had been created by her comment.

"Anyway…" Logan reflected then suddenly remembered that it was her lunch break and that she was probably hungry.  "You want something to eat?" he questioned.

"Why else would I be here?" Max joked following Logan into the kitchen.  

"So I was hoping you'd stop by." Logan offered as he pulled a head of lettuce out of the fridge.

"Oh really?" Max questioned raising an eyebrow.  Logan stopped his actions and turned to face her answering her eyebrow with one of his own.

"Really."

"Are we going to play twenty questions or do I get to know why?" Max asked and Logan chuckled in answer.

"Actually, Eyes Only was wondering if you'd be interested in doing some leg work for him." Logan offered casually, knowing her reaction would be far from casual.

"What's in it for me?" she questioned still weighing her options.

"Oh I don't know, I thought the food would be good enough to seal it." Logan tried to joke knowing that it was futile.

"Listen Logan I really can't be getting caught up in anything that would risk exposure.  And I'm not to fond of the idea of getting my ass shot off thank you." Max started in.

"I know. That's why it was just a casual offer.  Don't worry about it I can get someone else to cover it." He tried to soothe.

"But…I figure I owe you one for helping us all out…"

"Max you don't owe me anything…" Logan interrupted.

"…So what's the deal?" Max continued without taking his comments into account. Logan simply smiled.

"I was hoping you'd agree."


	5. Friends...I can't remember the last time...

Chapter 5

Friends…I can't remember the last time we were

AN: note this story will be more angst ridden then the last.

            Five months.  The words rang in her head as Max sped down the streets of Seattle on her bike.  It had been five long months since she'd been back and still Manticore hadn't made any move.  It was starting to drive her mad.  

            Five long months and Logan was still just as determined as ever to forget everything that happened before his injury.  He focused more energy on Eyes Only then anything else, including his reconditioning.   He'd given up hope on just about everything and it was really starting to piss her off.  Max had taken up doing odd jobs for Eyes Only every now and then but they were quickly becoming a nightly activity.  She wondered if he cared for her in anyway other then his personal cat burglar.  All work and no play was defiantly making her cranky.

            Speeding toward his penthouse for yet another assignment Max questioned her priorities.  If she really meant nothing to Logan other then…if he could dismiss her as his employee and nothing more…why was she still here?

            Logan.  So she felt something for him.  Still…  If Manticore didn't know where he was…if he wasn't so dead set against her…  She could leave.   Max hated Logan for how he'd tied her into the whole mess.  She didn't have a choice; she had to stay now, if only to make sure he was okay.  Not that he deserved it.

            Max wanted very much to kick some sense into his sorry hide.  Mess him up a little and maybe he'd remember all the things he'd hinted at before.

            Accelerating Max sped past Foggle Towers, if he wanted her he was going to have to treat her better.  She didn't deserve this crap from him now.  It was the last thing she needed.  Besides tonight she wanted some fun.  She wasn't his beck and call girl, she didn't mean anything to the man and it was obvious.  Why should she feed into his twisted Eyes Only quest?  No.  She wouldn't.  Not tonight.

            The only good thing that had happened in the past month was Zack's departure, Max reflected.  He'd left a week ago to go and check on the rest of the family, promising to be back.  He still wouldn't tell her where anyone was, but what did it matter.  If Logan kept things going the way he was then she'd have the opportunity to find them herself.

            A male on a bike pulled up beside her, matching her pace and Max floored it.  The man picked up his pace as well and sped past her, racing.   Smiling Max chased after him racing with him through Seattle.  Screw Logan Cale, she was going to have fun tonight.

            Logan waited impatiently by his window.   Where was she?  She was supposed to be here an hour ago.  He'd paged her twice already and she hadn't answered.   If anything had happened to her he'd never forgive himself.  

            Logan wheeled over to the phone and dialed her home number only to find it ring off the hook.  Maybe she'd just blown him off, she'd seemed pissed when he'd called earlier.  But it wasn't like her to not let him know where she was.  Picking up the phone he paged her again and sat impatiently waiting for her to call him.

            Ten minutes later he was rewarded with a call.

            "What!" her angry voice demanded.  Sounds of a bar came over the phone and Logan grew angry.

            "I thought you were coming over tonight." He clipped.

            "Guess you thought wrong then."

            "Max, I was worried something had happened."

            "Something did happen.  I had an epiphany and now I see how blind I've been.  I'm done Cale.  Eyes Only can get a new foot soldier because I don't want to play these games anymore."

            "What are you talking about?"

            "If I need to explain it to you then you're denser then I thought.  Have a nice life Cale and if you ever figure it out you have my number."  Max hung up the phone and Logan slowly followed suit.

            So she was pissed at him, for what reason he had no clue.  His fingers ached to dial her pager number again and work through this problem but his mind told him not to.

            He wanted to hunt her down and pull her into his lap, throw his arms around her and make her listen.  Logan needed Max to understand.   But she didn't and she was growing impatient with him.  But she'd be back.  She wouldn't leave him for good.  She couldn't.  Logan wasn't all to certain however.

            He had been treating her like dirt, only calling when he needed something.  When had that happened?  Somewhere down the line their friendly dinners and chess games had stopped and been replaced by exhaustion and broken promises.  Logan guessed it was his fault, every time she gave an inch he'd shut her out.  Every time she'd get close to him, he'd stiffen and go cold.  Only because the other option which was appealing, would only lead to trouble.

            Logan couldn't believe that she didn't know how much he felt for her.  He'd slipped up enough times for anyone to read him.  Whether he'd held her hand a little to long when helping her up after an Eyes Only case gone sour, or he'd held her too long after a particularly mean seizure.  Not to mention the times he'd simply get lost in her eyes.  Forgetting all the physical things, there was still the connection he felt for her, still that unbreakable thread that ran between the two of them, how could she not feel it and know he felt it too?   There was no way on earth she couldn't know.  And for that he hated himself.

            She deserved more; she needed more.  He couldn't run after her, he couldn't protect her.  He was only a liability.  

            The liability speech was one he'd gotten used to using.   When Max got to close to him and he thought that maybe he should just forget the whole thing and pull her to him, or when her voice full of passion, sadness, humor or any other emotion taunted him to run his hands through her hair and silence her with a thousand small kisses, that was when the litany of uselessness ran through his mind and reminded him to be cold.

            Tonight even her sharp words had caused a reaction unwelcome in him.

            Would he ever get over her?  As visions of her slight frame filled his mind, he highly doubted it.  As memories of her lips danced across his, he highly doubted it.   Logan's arms ached and tingled at the same time, reminding him of what he was losing and remembering how her warm body had felt trapped within them.

            His mind and heart battled within.  His heart playing with the idea of calling her back and confessing, his mind reminding him of his disability.  

            Logan's heart ended up winning and he quickly grabbed the phone to page Max, planning on confessing his feelings.  But as the minutes turned to hours waiting for her call Logan's mind clicked in, burying his heart again.

            Max sat on a barstool at Crash staring at the pager going off in her hand.  Gulping down another mug of beer she contemplated calling him back and apologizing.  Maybe she'd been too harsh.  Maybe she just needed to be a little more patient with him.  He'd had his world torn out from under him and he was still trying to rebuild it.

            But as a warm body came up behind her and placed his arms around her waist inviting her to dance with it, Max changed her mind and left the pager on the counter to go and dance.  When she closed her eyes she could pretend it was Logan who pulled her closer, Logan who whispered in her ear telling her she was the most gorgeous creature he'd ever seen, it was Logan who kissed her forehead and her cheek and…  Max pushed away from the man who had moments before held her close.  It wasn't Logan.

            Grabbing her jacket and pager she left the bar.


	6. In all the wrong places

Chapter 6

In all the wrong places

AN: More angst for my readers…sorry I'm in a dark mood and this story has always wanted to be dark.  Thus the title…  If you don't know humpty dumpty sorry email me and I'll explain. Oh yes the song would be Now that it's over by Everclear

Break down

And shake for me

Nothing ever is the way

You want it to be

Nothing even tastes right 

Now that it's over

            Max sat high on the needle looking down on Seattle.  It had been a week since she'd talked to Logan and he didn't seem all too eager to call her.  Maybe it was better this way.  She'd spent the last two nights on the top of the building across the street from his penthouse watching him.  It was stupid, so today she'd decided to get back to life.  

            So they'd shared a few moments of time together.  So…

            Somehow all the rationalizing in the world did nothing to make the hurt less.

            Why hadn't he called?

Break down

And shake for me

Don't write words

Unless you want me to read them

Nothing really matters

Now that it's over

            Logan had never believed that she'd stay away.  His computer beckoned him but he couldn't leave his spot in front of the window.  His hand moved furiously across the page of his journal recording his mixed emotions.  

He missed her.  

He needed her.  But that didn't mean that he could call her.

Maybe it would be better this way.

Forever eyes, dark, somebody's angel…just not his.

Maybe we can be friends

Now that we're older

We can have fun

Like we did 

In the early days

Now that it's over

            Max left her perch on top of the Space Needle and started toward Crash.  She'd met a guy there the other night.  Maybe he could make her forget Him.

Break down

And shake for me

Nothing ever seems

The way it ought to be

Nothing ever seems right

Now that it's over

            Logan wheeled over to the phone and dialed Asha's number.  He didn't know what would happen but he knew it would be better then brooding over someone he couldn't have.

Yeah now maybe we can be friends

Maybe we can be closer

We can have fun

Like we did

In the old days

Now that it's over

            Max lost herself to the music loudly blaring at Crash.  His name was Rafer; he delivered pizza when he wasn't busy being a paramedic.  He thought she was perfect.  

            "Lets get out of here Max."

My bad dreams just don't

Seem the same

Baby without you

I wish you were willing to accept 

The blame

Yeah for everything you do

            "I'm sorry I asked you over Asha…I don't want…I'll call you later."  Asha understood and left him alone.  Damn Max.

My nightmares just don't

Scare me now

Baby without you

I wish that I could find the words

To tell

You and your friends to go to hell

            The water flowed over her closed eyes hiding the tears.  Rafer was in the other room.  Max would leave him there and hopefully she'd never run into him again.  She hated him.  She hated herself.  Now Logan wouldn't let her have fun with anyone else either.

Break up time

Is never easy to do

Nothing ever ends

The way you want it to

Nothing seems to make sense

Now that it's over

            They weren't ever a couple, so why did it feel like he'd betrayed her by calling Asha.  Pulling the sheets over him Logan fought off the confusion.  Why did he care?  Max obviously didn't.

Yeah now maybe we can be friends

Yeah now that you're leaving

You can be nice to me

Maybe I'm dreaming

I am a lot better now

Than just ok

Maybe I am just waking up

In my own way

Now that it's over

            He'd never forgive her.  She wasn't worth enough to him to even warrant a phone call.  What was she thinking?  He wouldn't even care.  And he wasn't worth her thoughts either.  Still she couldn't shake the feelings of guilt.

            And her shower had done nothing to erase the feelings of filth.

Now that it's over

            They were finished anyway.  Max had made that clear.  Sighing Logan turned on his side and prayed for sleep.

My bad dreams just don't 

Seem the same

Baby without you

I wish you were willing to accept 

The blame

For all the shitty things 

You do

Nightmares just don't

Scare me now

Baby without you

I wish that I could find the words

To tell

You to politely go f*** your self

Yeah now that it's over

            Max slipped quietly into her bed and let the tears of frustration and rage, of guilt and pain, spill over onto her pillow silently.  Logan wasn't worth any sound.  Who was she kidding, jerk or not, she'd cared for him.  And tonight she didn't want to be alone.  Tonight she wanted to be lost in his embrace.

            Closing her eyes, her body let her slip into a deep sleep.

Now that it's over…


	7. Come Home

Chapter 7

Come Home

AN: re-done tried again and I think this one is better...definitely longer.

            Logan tossed restlessly.  There was no way on earth he was going to get any sleep tonight, he'd decided.  Max tormented him.  He missed her smile, the sound of her voice, the way she'd always sneak up behind him.

            Getting up he walked over to his computer and started a cd up.  He'd been listening to it earlier.  It hadn't done much in the form of cheering him up and he hadn't planned on being cheered up now, he wanted only to make himself suffer. 

            Leaving the room for a moment to fix himself some coffee he returned and sat down opening a file.  Eyes Only never slept.

            _You know I like to watch you sleep. No...I don't want to touch you.  You'll get mad at me.  No...I don't want to think about the bad times. Aw...anyone could have a bad year.  Now I don't want you to show me. I do not want you to know me.  The way I used to be...  All these good things we have.  Would not mean a damn to me.  And I don't want to hear those words you feel you have to say.  When you find out how I used to be back in the day.  Yeah you know I like the way you slide. Yeah yes I like it when you do that slow glide.  Now please don't bad talk all those good times.  Aw don't ask for answers, baby that you do not want to hear.  Now I don't want you to make me. I do not need you to break me of all my childish ways.  I 'm still the same you know, dumb rock hard and good to go.  I still hear them voices calling me from back in the day.  Aw baby...can't you see.  There ain't no place I'd rather be...*_

_            There wasn't any place he'd rather be then with her.  Why didn't Max understand that he couldn't give her everything she needed but that didn't mean he didn't want to?  He was still the same in that respect._

            _...Aw baby baby can't you see. I know you got some doubts. I know you don't believe. I know you think that I'm crazy and I know you're just like me...*_

            Screw it. He was going to call her.  They'd avoided it long enough.  Did either of them honestly believe that they could just dismiss the other so easily?  It was insane.  He couldn't live without her smile anymore then she could live without his...well there was something about him that she obviously liked; otherwise she wouldn't have gotten so pissed at him.

            Picking up the phone Logan pushed speed dial.  When had she become the first on his speed dial anyway?  It was pointless to question this any further.  Somehow things would work out.  They had to.

            "Max…Come home. I'm sorry.  I miss you." The words caught in his throat rather unflatteringly.  On the other side of Seattle, Max shrugged the sleep from her eyes.  It was two in the morning, what was he doing calling her.  She wasn't quite ready to talk to him.  After her earlier activities in fact, he was the last person she wanted to talk to.

            "Max…" he prodded again.

            "I can't." she answered.  Rafer was still present in her mind.  And hormone induced or not, she couldn't blame her heat.  Even if it had been partially responsible, she'd wanted to spite Logan.  And now to go over there would only end in a similar situation.  Because she'd wanted Rafer to be Logan.  But Logan didn't feel the same.  She hated her heat for its hormonal reactions but it didn't matter.  She'd managed to contain it yesterday when she'd been staring at him from across the street, she'd managed to contain it when she'd been at work, when she'd been offered by some Jam Pony customer a quick fix.  No she couldn't.  Like it or not her heat hadn't made her sleep with Rafer.  That had been her choice.

            "Max…"  Why did he have to sound so desperate?

            "Logan…I…I just can't." she hoped he couldn't hear the tears in her voice.

            "I'm coming over there then." Logan noticed her voice break, something had happened and he was going to find out what it was.

            Logan found her sitting with the phone in her hand crying when he entered her apartment later that night.  He couldn't stand to see her like that.  What did it matter how he felt?  She needed him.  

            Taking the phone from her hand he hung it up and pulled her unto his lap.  Max buried her head in his chest and wrapped her arms around him.  She had planned to fight him off but with him here being so open to her she had no choice but to pull him closer.  He always made things easier; his arms always held her so tight, his chest always felt so perfect against her cheek.  Max wondered however how much of her raging emotions were heat induced.  One more stupid thing that handcuffed her to Manticore.  It just wasn't fair. 

            _Do you remember when we were happy? Do you remember? Do you remember?**_

            "I'm sorry.  I…"  Max broke in his arms and proceeded to tell him about Rafer.

            "It's ok." Logan tried bravely. But that didn't mean it didn't hurt.  "You have nothing to be sorry for or ashamed of...I know who you are."

            "No. It isn't.  Logan I did it to hurt you." Max pushed away from him but he caught her and pulled her back, stroking her hair he tried to calm her furious tears.  Her words hurt him more then anything imaginable.  But he had to be okay with it; he deserved it after all.  It was his fault she hadn't found release in his arms.  His fault she was broken in his arms now.

            "Let me make it better." Logan said softly and Max relaxed in his arms. 

            _Do you remember when we were happy? Do you remember? Do you remember?**_

             His arms were magic.  The kiss he left on her brow, healed.  

            Sitting in his arms Max believed in him.  And he didn't fail her.

            As she drifted into sleep again her heart was lighter then it had been in weeks.

            Only when she was asleep did he let a few tears slip down his cheek.  

            Rolling her to her bed he slipped her from his arms and tucked her small frame under the blankets.  Pulling her hand toward him, he left a kiss on its open palm.  Watching the image of perfection sleep before him he wished one more time that he could be what she needed.

            _I wish I could be like all my heros. I wish I could be like all yours too...**_

            Wheeling back from her bed he silently swore.  Things should not have turned out this way.

            Max stirred as he let go of her hand.

            "Logan, don't leave me alone tonight.  I don't care what you have to get over to get into this bed with me, but please.  Just come." Max begged not opening her eyes.

            "Max..."

            "Logan, we don't have to talk about it tomorrow or ever.  But we both know that the only thing we want right now is to hold each other.  I'm sick of lying about it." Her eyes found his in the darkness.  He was sick of lying too.  How did she know?  Logan smiled inwardly, she always knew.  The connection they had was too deep to ignore.  He wanted more then anything to climb into that bed with her but breaking it down, he was terrified of what would happen in the morning.

            "We never had to debate it this much before.  Pretend I never left Logan, pretend I'm still in your apartment, Manticore hasn't taken your legs and me, pretend we just met and we can start again like we were meant to.  Fate has given us a unique opportunity, what are you going to make of it?" Max begged.  The darkness was once more giving her free rein to say the things she needed to say. "I came back for you Logan.  I'll wait as long as you need me to but please don't make it too long.  I don't care if you can walk or crawl or fly.  I don't care if you spend the rest of your life in that chair.  It was never about the chair."

            _I will never let them break your heart. I will never let them break me.***_

            "I hear you Max, but I can't believe that it doesn't matter because I know it does.  When I get up in the morning and I can't feel my feet on the cold floor, when I can't reach the button in the elevator, when I have to call ahead and ask if there is a handicap entrance, Max those things matter." Logan replied frustrated.

            "Come here.  Let me make it better."  Max offered with an outstretched hand.  Logan hesitated. "Please."  Finally he rolled toward her and she helped him into the bed.

_            You say there is no perfect place. I say I know this is true.  We are just learning how to smile and that's not easy to do.***_

_            Max's arms found their way around his neck and her head rested in the hollow between his neck and chest.  Logan pulled her closer.  Wrong or not, it felt good._

            _I can handle all the hell that happens everyday.  When you smile and touch my face you make it all just go away.  Yes I know there ain't no finish line.  I know this never ends.  We are just learning how to fall and climb back up again.  I know there is nothing perfect. I know there is nothing new.  We are just learning how to live together. me and you.***_

_            I love you Max Guevara and one day I'm going to figure out how to tell you.  Logan kissed her forehead and Max sighed as her body fell into sleep again._

            One day she'd tell him just what he meant to her but for now she was content to just be in his arms.

AN: hey I thought the last version sucked big time so I redid it.  *Everclear's Here we go again. **Everclear's Otis Redding  ***Everclear's Learning How to smile.  oh yeah and last chapter was Everclear's Now that it's over.  I mentioned it previously but have had people ask so there it is.  Seems I'm listening to way too much Everclear.  Comments?  Suggestions?  Come on peeps don't be afraid to review. I love reviewers.  


	8. Tag, you're it

Chapter 8

Tag, you're it.

AN: if you read the incredibly short version of chapter seven, get your butt back there and read the longer and better version (well better if you like shippy moments) AND LEAVE ME A REVIEW sorry.  Ok continuing the angst. Do you hate me yet?  No, well you just might by the end of this story.  So sorry in advance.

            So maybe Zack was right, Alec thought as he sped out of LA with some Manticorian soldiers on his butt.  Maybe he should of spent a little more time on being careful, but hey this was fun too.  

            Swerving off the road and into a small grove of trees, Alec dared them to follow in their humvies, knowing they would have a heck of a time doing so.  Speeding through the trees on a stolen bike at a speed no normal person would even contemplate, Alec's genetically altered reflexes saved him time and time again from becoming one with nature quite literally.  Behind him Manticore had let a few of its prodigy out on foot to follow, bullets screamed by narrowly missing him.  Well guess it was a safe bet that they weren't all that interested in catching him alive.

            Hitting pavement again Alec turned quickly back toward LA, tires screeching and the tail of his jacket brushing against the pavement as he almost wiped out.  Quickly recovering however he sped down the road about a mile before darting into a different patch of trees.  Still he couldn't shake a few of the soldiers.  Damn those X-8's were fast.  Alec wondered what the hell Manticore could have put in their cocktails cause he'd never seen any animal that could run that fast.

            Coming to another road and the edge of town, Alec sped down as many side streets as he could.  One thing was for sure, broken world or not, the sector police was going to have a hard time letting a bunch of kids with guns into the city, although that wouldn't be a big problem for Manticore since they probably still had some 6's in town.

            Screeching to a halt by a used car lot, Alec decided he'd have to switch his ride for something else, which really sucked; he'd grown attached to it.  The lot didn't have many options for him.  Hotwiring a car that under any other circumstances he wouldn't be caught dead in, Alec sped out of the lot with the owner screaming after him.  

            South was out of the question since Lydecker and his goons would be waiting.  So apparently he was going north, well Canada better be all it had cracked up to be.  Maybe he'd stop in Seattle and get some help from Eyes Only in getting out of the country.  It would be nice to get out legally instead of just skipping across the border.  Fun as all this hide and seek was, Alec was getting kind of tired of skirting around.  Plus he could check in on Max.  Not that he wasn't sure Zack had already done that, crud if he knew Zack he knew that Zack would probably be staying in Seattle himself, just to guard baby Max.  

            Smiling at the thought, Alec headed north.  What he would give to see the look on Max's face when Zack just happened to drop by.    Alec wondered if she'd skinned Zack before or after he told her to go to Canada with the others.   

            When arriving in Seattle, Alec smelled Max before he ever saw her.  He wondered if she knew that she was going into heat, or if she hadn't realized it yet.  When his nose tracked her down she was on her bike racing through Seattle.  Alec having traded the awful excuse for a car in for another bike a few towns back joined her for the race, only to lose her a few streets over.   Deciding that he didn't really want to track her down and risk the actions that would most likely result, he instead voted on finding a place to crash for the night and waiting till she was finished with her cycle to contact her.  He could wait a week.

AN: I figured you guys would like some sort of plot with your story so I decided to get back to it.  Short and sweet right.  Well since this is my world I can do what I want to do with it right, explaining the heat thing for you all.  In my world Max only gets out of hand toward the end of it which explains why she wasn't all over the dude she danced with at Crash the night she blew Logan off, thus she was able to walk away in the end whereas the night with Rafer was toward the end. Ok if you still have questions or don't like my version of her heat cycles... well that's just too bad. Now you have more time to go and read other stories.  You should thank me with a REVIEW.  Oops, the evil demon of review cravings is at it again.


	9. I said I love you and I swear I mean it

Chapter 9

I said I love you and I swear I mean it

AN: courtesy of Nickelback for the title.  I'm really into incorporating songs lately aren't I?  Ok you didn't think I could just leave you with one chapter did you.  Heck no.  When my muse visits I use her to death.  Maybe that's why she disappears for so long afterward.

            Logan woke up alone.  For the first time in months he wished that he hadn't.  Sure he always wanted things to be different between the two of them but that didn't mean he was ready to wake up to her face everyday.  Today however was different.  Last night had been special and he hadn't wanted it to end.

            For a moment he had been able to pretend that things were ok.  Reality hit him hard upon waking up alone however.  

            Rolling onto his back he stared at the ceiling as feelings he'd tried hard to suppress washed over him.  Moments like these were his weakest.  Had she been right beside him he knew he would never be able to keep his hands to himself.  It should have been a good thing that she was missing.  It did after all save him from cracking and hurting her more.  But right now all he wanted to do was confess.  

            Max kept making it easier and easier for him to confess.  Her words last night seemed to confess that she wanted something more from him but at the same time they pushed him away.  

            Last night was the perfect example of how confusing this thing really was.  Sure he could stay with her, sure she didn't care about his disability, but then again she didn't want to talk about it either, and she only reaffirmed it by her absence.

            Her scent was still heavy in the air and as Logan ran his hand over the place she'd been he felt the last bits of heat slip from the sheets.  Burying his face in her pillow he breathed her in.  She caught somewhere in his chest and brought a stinging to his eyes.

            Damn he loved her.

            That seemed to be the problem however.  He loved her too much.  Beyond reason, beyond logical thought, beyond his own life.  That's why he could let her go.  That's why he held her so far away from him.

            Hugging the pillow to his chest he played with the idea of becoming a selfish lover and taking what he so wanted.  Claiming her as his.  

            But he knew he couldn't.

            Opening his eyes and pulling himself up into a sitting position he found her note on the table beside him.

            _I don't know what to say.  I never have known what to say, that's your department.  I guess I'll see you later._

_            Crumpling the note in his hands, he felt his heart crumble with it._

            How long could she avoid this feeling?

            Max pedaled faster.  

            She loved him.

            And it left her paralyzed.

            Her feet flew in fear.  Her heart raced and her mind was all over the place.

            It was ok.  She could deal with this.  So leaving him this morning may not have been the wisest thing to do but if she hadn't of left...  Well there was no way they could of avoided talking about what would have happened.  And this time it wouldn't have been heat induced.

            Her shirt still smelled like him and it was driving her crazy.  She should have taken the time to change before darting out of there.  It would make thinking now a lot easier if she couldn't smell him on her.

            Pedaling faster she headed over to Original Cindy's for a new shirt.  It was all she could do not to turn around and well for not being in heat any longer she sure was horn---

            Beep!! Beep!!  

            Max swerved just before running into the car headed straight for her.  Ok she had to pay attention or she'd end up getting hit.  Again.  Well she hadn't really gotten hit more like she clipped the car.  She really had to stop riding her bike when she was this distracted.

            Screeching to a stop in front of O.C.'s building, she climbed off and fiddled with the lock.  Logan's scent still assaulted her nose and after only five seconds of trying, Max threw the lock into the street nearly causing an accident.  Swearing softly she left the bike unattended.  If someone took it she'd just have to deal with getting another, right now it was definitely unimportant.

            Running up the stairs and charging into Cindy's apartment, Max helped herself to one of Cindy's shirts and flung the tainted Logan shirt over to the corner of the room.

            "Ok boo.  What is going on?" Cindy asked when Max walked back into the kitchen where Original Cindy had been standing when Max had blazed through the room.

            "Nothing." Max lied.

            "Yeah, and I met myself the perfect guy last night.  You running from something?"

            "No."  Max looked like she was ready to laugh or burst into tears at any moment.

            "That bad huh?" Cindy asked concerned.  

            "I smelled like Logan."  Max clipped out confused at her own words.

            "Whoa boo.  Did you two..."  Original Cindy hinted.

            Max chose this moment to decide on tears and as a few streamed down her face, Cindy came around behind her and put a hand on her shoulder.

            "If he hurt my boo, Original Cindy gonna kick his ass down, wheelchair or not."

            "We didn't.  He didn't."  Max smiled at her comment.  "I...he...last night..." Max tried again with no success.  Frustrated she slammed her fist into a wall causing Original Cindy to jump.

            "Damn boo.  What happened?"

            "Sorry."  Max muttered as she pulled her fist from the wall.

            "Let me look at that for you." O.C. offered as she caught a glimpse of Max's bruised and bloodied hand.  

            "It isn't that bad." Max offered pulling her hand down to her side and ignoring the shooting pain that radiated from it.

            "Look baby girl, you gonna tell me what happened or is Original Cindy gonna have to call Rollerboy for the 411." 

            Original Cindy was not totally in the dark, when Max had disappeared for three months an excuse had to be offered and O.C. wasn't dumb enough to believe just anything.  So Max had told Original Cindy about Manticore.   It was one of the hardest things she'd ever done but Cindy came through for her like always.  _You my boo...for life.  No matter what.  So Max decided to tell the truth because coming clean was her only option if she wanted help._

            Sitting down at the counter, Max proceeded to tell her story.

            "When Manticore made me they crossed some wires somewhere and as a result I go through these cycles, like a cat.  During these humiliating times in my life I crave well, point blank I'm like a cat in heat." Max paused looking at the counter humiliated that she actually had to tell O.C. or anyone for that matter this.

            "It's ok Shuga.  Ain't no body gonna blame you for what you can't control."  she offered.

            "No it isn't ok.  I slept with a guy I barely knew to hurt a guy that..."  Max stopped not wanting to expound on it.

            "Yet ya wake up smelling like Logan?  How does that work Shuga?"

            "He came over afterwards.  I told him what had happened and he...I really hurt him Cin; he wanted me to believe that I didn't but I know I did.  I was just so mad at him and..."

            "Confused."  Cindy offered sitting next to her friend.

            "Yeah. I mean Rafer was the last guy I wanted to kick it with. I just..."

            "Wanted to hurt Rollerboy for holding back."

            "Yeah and..." Max tried to continue but didn't know how.

            "You wanted it to be Logan."

            "Whoa I never said that." Max interrupted jumping a little at the suggestion because she knew it was true.

            "Right boo.  But why did you have to run over here and change your shirt?"

            "I told you because it smelt like him." Max answered exasperated.

            "He smell bad to you?"

            "No.  Not at all."  Max smiled.

            Cindy cocked an eyebrow at her.  And Max rolled her eyes in response.

            "Ok, so you wanted to get out of a shirt that smelt like something that wasn't all that negative.  But Original Cindy's still got one question for ya.  How did it get that way?"  Max couldn't hide the smile that crept across her face.

            Original Cindy's eyes lit up in amusement.

            "Thought you two weren't like that," she offered just as slyly.

            "We slept together but we didn't you know..." Suddenly she felt very shy about sharing her sleeping habits with anyone.

            "Bang the gong."

            "Yeah."

            "Kick it."  Max's face was starting to turn red.

            "Yeah." Max admitted shyly.

            "Get busy." O.C. taunted.

            "Cindy!" 

            "Ok. Fine. I'll stop... Jumped his-" Max's hand flew to her mouth and stopped her from continuing.  

            "He held me and I held him.  Nothing else."  Max defended.

            "It's getting real between you two isn't it." Cindy half stated half asked.  Max only nodded.  "You're scared and you wanna run."  Max nodded again. "Don't." she finished and Max turned away guiltily.  

            "He's still at your place isn't he."  Again Max nodded.  O.C. sighed understanding just how real it was between the two of them.  Pulling Max to her feet she marched her back to the bedroom and the shirt crumpled in the corner.

            "Pick it up.  Put it on and sit down on the bed.  If you have the urge to remove that shirt go home and talk to Logan about it.  Cause sista he is the only one who can help you."  That said Cindy left the room closing the door behind her.

            "Come on."  Max whined to the closed door getting no answer.         

            Stomping over to the bed she flung herself down face first, screaming into the blankets in frustration.  After her fit was through she managed to walk over to the corner and pick of the offending object.  Crushing it to her face she breathed him in.  Why did he have to smell like everything she wanted in life?

            "Whoever planned this cruel joke, I hate you."  Max flung to the ceiling.  Tearing off the shirt she'd borrowed Max then dawned her "Logan" shirt and tore open the door to find Original Cindy waiting.

            "Ok I love him. Are you happy?" Max demanded.

            "Took ya long enough."

            "Yeah well I'm emotionally unavailable, a fog bank really."  Cindy smiled.

            "Were." she corrected.

            "Right."  Max agreed her voice full of uncertainty.  "What if-"

            "What if you just shut that pretty mouth up and went to talk to Logan about it?" Cindy interrupted pushing her friend to and out the door.

            "But." Max tried.

            "But nothing, and next time wait till after seven its Saturday morning.  You may not like your sleep but the rest of us do."  With that said Cindy shut the door and Max was left with no choice but to leave.

AN: well you know the routine REVIEW PLEASE. And yeah you're going to get another chapter soon.


	10. Its been awhile but I can still remember...

Chapter 10

It's been awhile but I can still remember how you taste

            "Max your hand!" Logan said in alarm as she walked into the bedroom and over to his side.  Reaching out to it she pushed his hand away and climbed onto his lap and captured his lips with hers.  To her surprise he answered her actions with the like.  Moments later when she ended the kiss and let her nose rub against his she answered his alarm.

            "It's fine.  My heart however...I don't know."

            Rubbing his cheek against hers he nodded.

            "I know what you mean."

            "I don't want to hurt like this anymore."

            "Max...I don't want to hurt you anymore.  But we both know that I can't..."

            _If I could then I would. _

            Wrapping her arms more tightly around his neck she kissed him again.

            "Max..." she silenced his tone once more with another kiss.  "Are you going to let me continue?"  

            "Depends, are you going to make sense or make excuses?"  She asked coyly. "Cause I can think of much better uses for that mouth then what you're using it for."  Logan's arms tighten around her involuntarily.  Biting her lip she waited for his answer as he turned away from her.

            "Do you have any idea how that affects me?" he asked.

            "Sort of like this does." Max offered as she slid a hand under his shirt.

            "Funny Max."  He spit out as he grabbed her hand and put it back around his neck.  "Can we be serious now?"

            "Can I kiss you again?" she asked ignoring his question.

            "You aren't going to make this easy are you?" he asked with a smile.

            "On the contrary, you're the one making it difficult."

            "Max."

            "Fine." she clipped and climbed off of him and the bed leaving him alone as she walked over to the window and looked out making sure to keep her back to him.

            Logan instantly missed the warmth her body had given him.

            "You know I'd love to entertain every little desire you have.  You know I don't want to hurt you.  But we can't.  It's too dangerous.  And you deserve more then I could ever give you." he threw out to her back.

            "Argh!!"  Max cried in frustration stomping her foot, spinning around, and wildly flying at him. "How can you not?" she asked an inch from his face. Once more she silenced him with a kiss this time knocking him over so that she was lying on top of him.  

            Hard as he tried, Logan found he couldn't resist answering her passion with his bottled frustration at the whole situation.  Abruptly Max broke away from him and detangled herself from his groping hands.  Sitting back on the edge of the bed just out of his reach she smiled.

            "You're right.  It isn't worth the risk." she informed.  Logan groaned still recovering from her assault.

            "Get back over here." he ordered and Max shook her head no.  Flinging himself up with his newly developed upper body he quickly pinned her under him.

            "You can't do that.  I won't allow it."  He whispered into her ear, lips brushes against it softly, his stubble scratching her neck and cheek.  Max silently wondered if maybe she'd been wrong about not being in heat anymore.

            "Is this a bad time?" a voice questioned from the door, quickly bringing the two out of the staring contest they'd been involved in and back to reality.

            "Alec?!"  Max questioned and demanded at the same time.  He shot her an apologetic look.  He'd thought that it would be safe to contact her now that her heat was over but he'd never expected to walk in on the two of them.  It wasn't something he wanted to see.

            Logan had pulled himself off of her and into his chair for which Alec was grateful.  It was a little too much seeing the two of them all over each other.  

            "I was wondering if Eyes Only could help me with some paper work.  Manticore really doesn't want me out here and I'd rather spend my time in Canada then in a cage." 

AN: aw too bad I had to end it there.  If you're nice and review I'll try harder to be nice.


	11. Leaving, leaving again...

Chapter 11  
Leaving, leaving again...  
  
AN: I am so increadably sorry this has taken me so long to produce. Forgive the mean writer.  
  
  
"What are you doing here?" Max finally managed as she pulled herself off the bed and started toward the door. Lounging around in her bedroom with both of them was a little more then uncomfortable. With the bed staring them all in the face, reminding them of what Alec had interupted, it didn't seem like the appropriate place for this conversation.  
  
"Manticore, they seem to want me back. Can't say I blame them but I'm not all to fond of going home." Alec remarked as Max started some coffee. Logan sat in the corner of the room more then a little uncomfortable but increadably grateful and disapointed at the same time. Glad as he was to be interupted before he'd gone to far; he was still upset that he hadn't had the option. If only. If only he was... Max would hit him if she found out he was thinking this way again. But what was a little physical pain anyway. Logan continued with his downward spiral of self condemnation and pity.  
  
"So I was wondering if I could get a little help from Eyes Only in getting out of the country." Alec continued. Logan lost in his negitive thoughts however didn't hear him.  
  
"Hello? Logan?" Alec asked bringing Logan out of his dark thoughts.  
  
"Sorry. What was it you wanted?" he asked and Max rolled her eyes with a small smile. She wondered if he was still back in her bedroom like she was.  
  
"Help out of the country." Alec spoke as if Logan was a two year old. Logan was still too busy with his self condemnation to catch the tone however.  
  
"Yeah sure. I'll see what I can do." he offered not paying attention to Max's smirk or Alec's eye rolling.  
  
  
  
"Eyes Only is our priority now Deck. Your kids have escaped and they aren't going to be caught easily. Eyes Only is a threat that can't wait until you're done playing around in LA with all of Manticore's resources. The Council has had enough of your pathetic attempts to turn this around. They've waited years for results and all you have handed them is faliures. The X project is over. Orders have been given to terminate the remaining prototypes." Lydecker noticed that Renfro hid none of her feelings about the situation. She was more then slightly happy that his pet project was going down the drain; he didn't enjoy her reveling in her superiority either.  
  
He could almost hear her sugery sweet, "do you want to pull the plug or shall I."  
  
"I'll deal with it." he offered. Renfro smiled sweetly reveling in her victory as she left.  
  
Yeah he'd deal with it alright.   
  
If she thought she could just waltz into his office and pull some power trip on him she had another thing coming.   
  
Oh he'd take care of Eyes Only alright and get his kids back in the process.  
  
He wasn't quite finished yet. Faliures or not, Lydecker was proud of his kids. They'd managed to escape this hole. They'd managed to evade recapture. But could they manage to say no to a sibling in need?  
  
Lydecker doubted it. And around this he formulated his plan.  
  
  
  
"So...."  
  
"Anyways..."   
  
Their first moment alone after being caught by Alec and the two found they had nothing more intelligable to say to each other.  
  
Max had retreated feeling that she'd gone to far. She couldn't let herself get attached, not until she knew just what Manticore had planned.  
  
Logan had all but left the room. Physically he sat in front of her, mentally he was still in the same room, but emotionally he'd crawled up in himself so far that it would take a miracle, a few sledgehammers, and a bucket of ice cold water to break him out of it.  
  
The group had headed over to Logan's following usual protocal. Alec was currently taking advantage of Logan's hot water in the shower, leaving the two of them alone to "sort out" their little encounter.  
  
But having the reality of Lydecker and his goons on Alec's butt only made the situation worse and more taboo then it already was. Thus the result was akward silence, something the two of them hadn't seen in quite a bit.  
  
"I can follow him out if you need me too." Max offered.  
  
"I'm more worried that they followed him here." Logan tried again.   
  
Planning, that was something the two of them could do together safely. Emotionally unattached. Logan had to keep reminding himself that it would just be better for Max to go with Alec and never come back.  
  
Max had to keep reminding herself that regardless of how she felt, this was dangerous and that they could all end up dead or in a cage if they weren't careful.  
  
"I think Lydecker would have knocked on your door by now." Max offered lamely to his concern.  
  
"I thought Lydecker would have knocked a lot earlier." he was still concerned about the whole thing.  
  
"Think he's playing us?" Max knew that in all likelyhood he could be, that in fact he probably was. But that didn't mean she wanted to admit it.  
  
"He does know where I live." was all Logan could offer.  
  
"Sorry bout that."   
  
"Don't be." he offered rolling over to join her in front of the window. "You did what you could." Max nodded and turned to him with a weak smile.  
  
"So, you coming with us?" Max asked. She knew that she'd be heading back with Alec for awhile. Lydecker wanted his kids back and it was obvious. She'd be a fool to stay right under his nose, yet that was all she wanted to do.  
  
Logan didn't have to answer her. His silence said it all.  
  
"We'll be okay you know. I'll be back. I just wish you'd come with us." She informed the window in front of her while peeking out of the corner of her eye to see his reaction.  
  
"Why?" he suddenly had a very real need to know. He hoped against hope that she'd say it was because she needed him. But he wasn't stupid enough to believe those words would ever cross her perfect lips.  
  
"It's dangerous here. They know who you are. They know where you live. I can't believe we just sat here waiting for them to come and swoop down. What the hell were we thinking?" Max answered bitterly.   
  
She knew what she had been thinking. Her hormones had run the show, sentimental lies as Zack would call them, had run the show. They hadn't left because she wanted to play house, damn she'd screwed them big time.  
  
Logan offered a small rueful grin. Max was right. They should have left. Not much they could do about it now, well besides leave. Alec's apperance should have been motivation enough for him to pack up and leave. Yet he found himself just wanting to stay in that moment he'd filed under, things that will never happen again, that moment before Alec had broken in, the one in which they were together and so sure of everything they were doing, he could have lost himself in her kisses, sunk into a happy oblivion.  
  
That's why they'd stayed. For moments like that. Well on his part anyway. Max had stayed to be his guardian angel. Now that he was a weak and pathetic excuse for humanity he needed her to watch his back. That's why she hadn't left. Pity. Some misconstrud feelings of protectiveness.   
  
Why did it matter anyway? The point was they'd stayed and sooner or later there would be hell to pay for it.  
  
"Your right." Logan finally offered. Max turned to him confused. She'd gotten lost in her thoughts and couldn't remember what she was supposedly right about.  
  
"It isn't safe here. I've got that cabin I can stay in though. Bling can help me transfer some stuff over there so I can run Eyes Only from my cabin. I'll be fine. I doubt Manticore is that enthusiastic about finding me, they would have knocked already if they were. You on the other hand..." he drifted off not wanting to say things that would hurt them both.  
  
"He'd like me stuffed and hung over his mantle...I know." she finished for him, causeing him to grimace at her colorful comment.  
  
"We can stay until you're settled." she offered not breaking her trancelike gaze into the nothing Logan's window provided her with.  
  
"You should leave as soon as possible." he answered joining her in her pointless stare.  
Max nodded.  
  
"I'm gonna go pack some stuff. Tell Alec we are leaving tonight." that said she spun around and left.  
  
Logan continued staring out his window long after she'd left. 


	12. The be careful's and I will's

Chapter 12  
The "be careful's" and "I will's"  
AN: Alas do not hate me forever.   
  
  
There were a million things that needed to be said.   
  
A million reasons not to say them.  
  
A million reasons they needed to be said.  
  
Still they went unsaid. Unspoken. Unwritten.  
  
Max left that night, Logan watched quietly from his perch in front of the vast windows his penthouse afforded.  
  
The "Be careful's" and the promised "I will's" had echoed off the walls until they'd threatened to consume him.  
  
Madness knocked on his door and beckoned for him to let her in. She'd claim his troubled soul and make the word beautiful again, she promised release from the pain that clawed at his heart. But he did not let her in and she walked away quickly replaced.  
  
Regret. Now here was a foe that Logan didn't know how to cope with. He didn't bother to knock, simply walked in and flopped down on his couch as Max used to.  
  
Logan let out a bitter chuckle.   
  
Pity had apparently walked in right behind Regret. She stood behind him, hand on his shoulder.   
  
Logan shook the feelings off.   
  
Max was gone. He still had a job to do. And no amount of wasted tears would make Seattle any safer for Max, no amount of guilt would bring her back.  
  
Logan started to roll over to the phone to dial Bling's number. He might as well get things started.   
  
A book of poetry sat perched on the edge of a table and as he rolled by it caught his eye. Pausing, he grabbed the book and changed his route. Instead of the phone Logan made his way to his bedroom. It was late, Bling would still be there in the morning and there wasn't much they could do now anyway.  
  
After he had readied himself for bed and had transfered to his bed, Logan took the book in his hands once more.  
  
Opening the book he read half-heartly until he chanced upon a poem that brought a smile to his face. Reaching into the drawer of the table by his bed, he pulled out a piece of paper and pencil and proceeded to write. When finished with the note he folded it and placed it in the book with a smile.  
  
Turning off the light, he was asleep almost before he hit the pillow.  
  
  
  
"494 and 452 have left Seattle sir." Lydecker smiled as he dismissed the soldier.   
  
"I don't understand sir. If you want to recapture the X-5's why let them get away again?" Amused with the private's question Lydecker answered with a satisfied grin.  
  
"We needed them out of the way so that we can capture Eyes Only." he proceeded to inform. It wasn't really any of the private's business and Lydecker should have been putting the private back in his place but he found that he'd much rather share his plan with someone.  
  
"Why not just take them back when you capture Eyes Only then?"  
  
"452 will not rest until she has Eyes Only back. If we were to capture 494 and 452 with Eyes Only we could not be assured of the recapture of the rest of the X-5's. 452 will turn to her siblings for help, luring them out of hiding..." Lydecker drifted off contently.  
  
"You are hopeing that she will try something?" the private questioned.  
  
"I know she will."  
  
  
  
  
Max couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.   
  
As the two raced side by side toward Canada and the darkness grew into dawn she decided she couldn't take the nagging feeling anymore and pulled off to the side of the road.  
  
Grabbing her phone she furiously dialed Logan's number, fear increaseing as each minute passed.  
  
"Max come on. I'm sure he's fine. Let's go." Alec whined pulling off next to her.  
  
The phone rang three times before it was picked up.  
  
"Logan?" she questioned before the person on the other line could answer.  
  
"Max..." it wasn't Logan's voice, it was Bling's. Something was wrong.  
  
"Bling? Where is Logan?" Max asked frantically, already starting to turn her bike around. Alec too noticing the fear in Max's voice, turned his bike back toward Seattle.  
  
"Something happened last night Max..." Bling continued.  
  
Alec noticed Max's face take on a ghastly shade of white and her mumbled affirmitives.   
  
When she hung up the phone and swore under her breath he knew something had gone wrong.  
  
"We're going back to Seattle." she ordered suddenly taking charge again. "Manticore paid a visit while we were away." she bit out revving her bike and taking off at full speed.  
  
Alec didn't need to be told twice.  
  
  
AN: the ending is quickly coming upon us. I'm thinking one maybe two more chapters. Think Star Wars Empire Strikes Back if you must. I gotta let Deck have the upper hand once. He deserves it after all this MIA crap they been pulling this season. Don't panic there will be a sequal...I'm not that cruel. I can't leave my characters hanging in such angst forever. 


	13. One Million and One

Chapter 13  
A million and one  
AN: as always it's been fun...  
  
  
Max sat on Logan's bed staring into space. The tears already dried streaks, the anger already receding.  
  
Manticore had Logan.   
  
She didn't know how to find any of her siblings and neither did Alec.  
  
Zack was still gone.  
  
And she's never told Logan how she felt.  
  
Bling had wisely left her alone in his room and Alec had followed Blings lead. Now only two hours after arriveing home, she still sat alone on his bed.   
  
Home. Yeah Seattle was still her home, Logan's was still her home. Who was she kidding Logan was her home? How could she truely be home without him?  
  
Fighting the tears she noticed a book on the table beside her. Taking it in her hands she caressed the cover lightly, had he held it in his hands only hours ago?  
  
Sniffling, she noticed a piece of paper stuck in the middle. Opening the book she let her eyes skim across the page and smiled reading what was written.  
  
  
i carry your heart with me.  
by e.e. cummings  
  
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in   
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere   
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done   
by only me is your doing,my darling)   
i fear  
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want   
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)   
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant   
and whatever a sun will always sing is you   
here is the deepest secret nobody knows   
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud   
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows   
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)   
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart   
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)   
  
  
Commiting it to memory, she then focused her attention on the paper. Opening it she let her hand brush across his scrawled words, not reading but knowing that his hand had once rested where hers had. He had written the words on that paper. It made him so much closer.  
  
Finally she allowed her self to read the note.  
  
  
Max,  
You left today. I don't know when or if I'll ever see you again. I feel like such a fool. When you left I realized something. There were a million things I should have said to you. A million reasons to say them. I should have told you that you are the best friend anyone could ever dream to have. I should have told you that your lips taste like cherries and that your hair smells like honey. I should have told you that and so much more. When I see you again I'll take this note and laugh at it. I'll rip it up so that you will never see it or the page that it marks. It's too dangerous for us, perhaps it always will be. I'm not good enough for you, and it looks as though I will always be just that much short of what you need. You'd tell me that I was being a blockheaded ass right now. You'd threaten to knock some sense into me. What I would give for that to happen. I know that the chair doesn't matter to you, but still I can't get over it. Maybe I never will. If I do I won't hesitate to tell you those million things. Writing this I realise that there aren't only a million things, I found one more. Maybe it's because I was reading poetry that I feel so inspired tonight to write you a special poem. You didn't know I wrote poetry did you? I've got quite the collection now. Most of which I'm afraid center around your grace and beauty. But on with the poem right.  
  
  
A million and one  
I've counted them all  
From the sound of your voice  
To the sound of my fall  
From the taste of your kiss  
To the touch of your hand  
A million and one  
Reasons I am  
  
Reasons why I  
Wake up each day  
From the ring of your laughter  
To hoping you'll stay  
From the way your sweet smile  
Seems to light all around  
To the way your deep eyes  
Uncover all ground  
  
A million and one  
Things I should say  
From the reasons I need you  
To the reasons I stay  
From the way that I'd hold you  
If my arms they could reach  
To the way that you'd scold me  
With the lessons you'd teach  
  
A million and one  
Yet the million seem quaint  
When faced with the one  
That my mind seems to hate  
For it won't let me tell you  
The one that you need  
The one that my heart  
For it, seems to bleed  
  
I hope that you know  
When you look in my eyes  
That of the bunch  
This one, it relies  
On all of the rest  
When I pull them apart  
Independantly it sits  
And tells of my heart  
  
A million and one  
Yet I still can not say  
All the things that I need to  
And alone I am today  
For you have left me  
But for a small time  
And I should have told you  
I want you to be mine  
  
My arms want to hold you  
My lips lock with yours  
My hand wants to touch you  
Throw open the doors  
And tell you the one  
My heart screams out  
To tell you I need you  
To throw my fears out  
  
A million and one  
Echo in my mind  
A million and one  
I'm yours for all time  
So do what you must  
But know this is true  
There's a million and one  
Ways I love you.  
  
Now if only I could share that with you. We both know that that can't happen though now don't we. I'll call you tomorrow and we'll talk and I'll remember all the reasons I don't say those things. There are a million and one of them too aren't there. Maybe one day we'll both get lucky. Who knows. Well it's getting late and I should go to sleep. Want to know something though, ever since you left it, my bed just seems way too big for one person. My arms just seem empty without you in them. When I woke up this morning and found you'd left it broke my heart a million times over. But then I was glad because I knew that had you still been there I wouldn't have heisitated to prove my love to you. And that my dear would have been a big mistake, not only would you have run from me but I fear we would have gotten ourselves into a huge mess. You're right Manticore would like you back. I can't help but cringe everytime I think about what they would do to you. Better me then you. They couldn't hurt me anymore then they did when they took you away from me. Knowing you will be safe is enough for me. Knowing that they can not hurt you will keep me going. I love you Max. I probably always will. I've tried so hard to deny it. So you will probably never hear me say those words again. I've told you twice before. Once while you were sleeping in my arms and then before I was shot. I think them everytime you walk in the room. I want to tell you so badly, but I know it would only hurt us. I know that you can not love me the same way and that it is dangerous to say those words. So I will keep them to myself. Good night. I hope you and Alec make it safely to Canada. All my love.  
Logan  
  
  
Max let the paper slip from her fingers.   
  
Taking a deep breath she banished all feelings of hopelessness.  
  
She was going to find him.  
  
If only so that she could make him say those words to her.  
  
  
  
  
  
an: well I've decided that I am going to wrap this story up just like that. I warned you that it would only get worse. If you would like to see it get better hang on and I'll get you the sequal. This piece was not supposed to be this long. It sort of grew and now it is telling me to stop it. So I will listen to it. It was just supposed to be a nice piece of angst between the first and third stories. So I'm sorry if I made you cry, but then again I'm not since that was my intention. Email me if you want notification when the sequal is posted. And Smile. The next one won't be so dang sad. 


End file.
